17 Weeks Later...

Yikes! I know that it's been a ridiculously long time since I last posted -- I wonder if I should just admit defeat and acknowledge that I'm not the blogger I imagine myself to be? Consistent, insightful and witty -- post after post -- week after week...

I also dream of being one of those people that frequently takes (and posts) photos and seems to flawlessly manage her own online social networks/profiles while keeping up with everyone else's ((like Mojan!)

A brief recap of the past 17 weeks...I am now 34 weeks along so I'm into the 6 week countdown (yikes!) I feel the *yikes!* when I realize that I/Kiave will be full-term in 3 weeks. Kiave is incredibly active in utero and I feel him much more distinctly than I remember feeling Kapono (in the womb) -- one of my midwives from the Tucson Birth Center confirmed that most women feel movements/sensations much more distinctly in subsequent pregnancies.

Kapono is still nursing and as far as I know, I am still lactating. I haven't actually seen my milk in weeks, but Kapono assures me that there is still milk and he still swallows while nursing. Generally, each nursing session is fairly uncomfortable b/c I have such heightened breast sensitivity, bordering on pain at times. In addition, I often feel a contraction(s) after 5 mins or so into a nursing session. That's usually around the time I give Kapono the "one more minute" warning. It may be in response to the "life in transition" or the newly placed limitations on the lengths of our nursing sessions, but Kapono now requests to nurse more frequently and for longer periods of time -- the exact opposite of what I'm wanting! He may go a full day and nurse only once or he may nurse up to 4-6 times/day.

I intuitively sense that Kapono may be ready to fully wean although I've made the decision to not force the weaning at this time simply because of the many life changes we've experienced these past 8 weeks -- move from Illinois to Arizona, going back and forth between two homes (Arivaca and Phoenix), potty-training, starting the homebuying/househunting process, and, of course, Kiave's arrival. My main reason for re-starting this blog was to chronicle my adventures in tandem nursing...so far, no regrets about continuing to nurse during pregnancy despite the challenges, mainly the discomfort while actually nursing. I may be singing a different tune in about 6 weeks -- Kapono and I have talked about how Kiave will nurse with mommy when he arrives and will need to nurse A LOT because he is a baby and babies need to nurse more than big boys. I am very curious to see how the actual tandem nursing goes....no promises on when to expect my next post and like I said, I may need to just "throw in the towel" and accept that I am just not a blogger, at least not yet :P

17 Weeks & Counting

I did start blogging again to chronicle and share my own "adventures" in tandem nursing so, to be fair, I will share one such adventure from this morning. Well, this morning, for the first time while nursing Kapono, I felt those mild, back-ache type cramps which later into my (first) pregnancy, I learned are actually contractions and I wondered if I was actually having mild, nursing-induced contractions -- and if Kapono's morning nursing session should stop? We did wrap up the nursing, although not immediately, and intuitively, I wasn't worried (I must also embarassingly confess that these physical sensations may simply have been indicative of a bowel movement). Nevertheless, the experience did get me thinking about nursing-induced contractions that I may experience later into my pregnancy when the actual birth will be much more imminent and if I'll feel so not worried then...? :P

The only new nursing challenges that I've faced (so far) as a result of the pregnancy are increased sensitivity when Kapono latches on and then, inevitably, at some point into the nursing session, I will feel FAMISHED -- like, I need to EAT, and I need to EAT A LOT RIGHT NOW. Usually by that point, I also feel like whichever side Kapono has nursed on more is now running on "E". Sometimes I wonder if he's still getting milk when he nurses past that "empty feeling" point, but so far, no complaints :-)

Women Giving Birth vs. Doctors Delivering Babies

*THANK YOU* to my cheering squad ;-) for your encouragement and support in my tandem nursing efforts! I read a vignette from a mother in "Adventures in Tandem Nursing" who wrote that she made a point of nursing both her toddler and infant simultaneously in public to make a statement about tandem nursing -- basically, that it is possible! I don't know yet if I'll find myself doing the same thing, but I have found myself making a point of telling people that I am still nursing Kapono as a means of raising awareness about continued breastfeeding during pregnancy. Previously, I frequently censored that piece of information, but lately I've been forcing myself not to edit that part out anymore, so, good for me :-)

I've been reading "Silent Knife", a book about Cesarean prevention and vaginal birth after Cesarean (VBAC), and the experience of reading this book has really motivated me to have a home birth for our second child. The *only* thing is that we don't know where home will be in late September (around my due date) since we're moving all of our stuff to Arizona at the end of May and then staying in China for the summer. We're planning to return to Arizona in late Aug/early Sep about a month or so before my due date, but we're not sure yet if we'll be in Tucson or Phoenix.

The more I reflect on my own birth experience in a hospital and the more I reflect on what I really and truly believe in my heart to be true about childbirth (that it is/should be a SAFE, NON-MEDICAL experience for the vast majority of women and children in the world), the more I want to have a home birth. The most recent section that I read in "Silent Knife" talked about the disempowering process of childbirth in the United States -- how we have adopted and perpetuated this general attitude that doctors deliver babies (vs. women give birth). What a contrast! And so true!!! At my first pre-natal check-up this year, my ob mentioned that he was exhausted from having delivered babies all night and I was thinking, you just caught those babies, the women delivered them!!! I just got in touch with a free-standing birth clinic in Tucson which I'm hoping might be a good alternative to a home birth experience, but their first email reply to me was very impersonal and I told Emiliano that if I wanted impersonal, I could just go to a hospital again :P

Adventures in Tandem Nursing

Well, the HUGE news now is that I'm pregnant -- about 14 weeks along. It's so funny to me how I followed my pregnancy numbers so meticulously with Kapono and now with our second, everything is guess-timated. I'm *about* 14 weeks along, due *around* late September, and the baby is *about* the size of an apple these days (I think -- I knew this stuff down to the centimeter with the K-man!)

Anyway, I decided to start up this blog again because I wanted a venue to share some of my adventures in tandem nursing (breastfeeding during pregnancy). The reason for this is because of the general lack of awareness (and accuracy!) and support from mainstream culture for breastfeeding, let alone encouragement to continue breastfeeding beyond infancy and into subsequent pregnancies. When we found out that we were expecting, I had decided that I would wean Kapono because I kind of felt like that was what I had to do, like that was just what mothers did. I hadn't *planned* to get pregnant while still nursing, but after a little bit of trial and error with the parent-led (vs child-led) weaning, I further investigated tandem nursing and made the much more informed decision to continue nursing during this second pregnancy. Since making that decision, I feel happier and Kapono feels happier which also makes Emiliano (and baby) happier :-)

The American Academy of Pediatrics Breastfeeding Policy recommends "Exclusive breastfeeding for approximately the first six months and support for breastfeeding for the first year and beyond as long as mutually desired by mother and child."

The American Academy of Family Physicians has an identical recommendation that "Breastfeeding beyond the first year offers considerable benefits to both mother and child, and should continue as long as mutually desired."

And the World Health Organization advises "continued breastfeeding up to 2 years of age or beyond."

Even before getting pregnant with our second, people started to question our decision to continue breastfeeding Kapono, who turned two last month. I really wonder why so many people feel so affronted by continued breastfeeding? That being said, I also need to acknowledge the many people who have supported (and praised) our decision and/or, even if they were unfamiliar with tandem nursing, were very open-minded and, what I most especially appreciate, willing to learn something new.

HUGE NEWS

I can't actually post my *HUGE NEWS* (not pregnant) yet because not all parties who should be informed have been informed, but I am joining the Baha'i House of Worship choir -- which isn't on the magnitude of *HUGE*, maybe more along the lines of *BIG*, but it's news, right? Kapono is 19 months-ish, Emiliano is plugging away at work and school (transferred this term to Northeastern Illinois University) and I am plugging away at the whole raising a child thing!

What I Learned This Past Year

In reflecting on what I learned this past academic year, I realized that it could be summed up briefly, and yet still accurately, in a few sentences:

1. Chemistry is all about electrons. Period.
2. Physics is about rules -- basically, how anything that exists as matter or energy is governed by rules.

Unless you're traveling at or near the speed of light. Then you need a new set of rules (which we have, thanks to Einstein).

Yep, that really does just about sum it all up.

I Did It!

I did it...I survived my first year pre-med. I didn't tell very many people this, if anyone (other than Emiliano and my siblings), but after my first week of chemistry and physics at Northwestern, I actually called the school to get the details on withdrawing from the program. It was just so daunting and intimidating and, well, really, really hard. I sort of breezed through school before (back in the day, right?) but this past year, I found myself really struggling academically and my confidence was shaken. But I did it!

Even though I am totally reconsidering the pre-med track, I am so proud of myself for having accomplished what I did -- succeeding in school as a new mom. I had no idea how challenging it would be and I have a newfound, profound respect for anyone studying and/or pursuing a career in the sciences (especially women and especially moms!) Although at times I felt like collapsing from exhaustion and frustration, I'm excited that I've learned a little bit more about our world and how it all works -- like, quarks and nucleons and why we *know* the universe is expanding and that the sun will eventually burn itself up (in 5 billion years or so).

I told Emiliano that I don't know what to do with myself now...it's still surreal that I don't have gobs of homework to agonize over and massive amounts of information to cram into my brain. I only just finished my last final this evening and it hasn't sunk in that I am a free woman. When I asked my friend, Rachel, what I should do over the summer, she said, "Have fun?" -- so, one of my goals is to take her advice!

Dear Blog

Dear Blog,

I miss you. I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long. Between being a mom, pre-med studies, and life, in general, I just haven't been able to keep up. I will keep trying. Love, Kim

Do Fish Sleep?

We bought Kapono a betta for his birthday and since it's definitely past my bedtime, I've been looking at our new pet and wondering if it might be past his bedtime, too.

On my "to do" list (after ace-ing my finals next week) is to catch up on my blog. The most significant recent events were Kapono's first and my thirty-first (!) birthdays. Kapono turned 1 on February 9 and I turned 31 on March 9. (When I was in 9th grade, I decided on 9 as my favorite number for no apparent reason that I can recall).

More photos to come of Kapono in his glorious traditional Korean birthday gear (along with details of the ceremony, i.e. how my son is destined to have nice handwriting and become an emcee), but in the meantime, visit new momma Liza Bean's site for some beautiful pictures.

Why Do We Live in Chicago Again?

I ask myself this question every time we go home (Arizona) and during every winter season ever since we moved here 4+ (!) years ago. I just looked at the forecast for the week and every day is more than ten BELOW ZERO DEGREES. So, I'm asking myself and my husband, why? Why do we live in Chicago? Remind me please.

Dreaming of a Desert Christmas

When I first moved to Arizona from Minnesota in 1992-ish, I thought that I would miss having a white Christmas. Little did I know that sunny skies with temps in the mid-70's in December is pure bliss. We arrived into Phoenix on Christmas Eve. Kapono was an angel on his first flight -- no joke. I told Emiliano that I couldn't have scripted a more perfect travel experience. We had the bounty of running into an honored friend, Ms. Erica Toussaint, who regaled us with inspiring stories from her recent travels to the Baha'i SED Conference in Orlando, while we waited for our (thankfully) on-time flight. We sat in the front row (economy) which meant just enough legroom for Kapono to sit/stand/stumble around at our feet. He began to nurse during take-off and was asleep before we hit our final cruising altitude. He slept 2 hours, played the final hour with our Filipina neighbor, and was a wide-eyed gem Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Of his many gifts of books, clothes, and toys, he most enjoyed the shimmery gift-wrap bows.

Winter Wonderland

One good thing about snow in Chicago is getting to see Kapono bundled up in a snowsuit :-)

Should Be Studying

This has been my mantra since I began classes in September. I feel like there's this omnipresent shadow of "should be studying" looming over me this quarter. These classes are insane. I'm going through my chem getting the right answers not even understanding the questions let alone how I actually got them correct! So, I played hooky today from studying to visit Shedd Aquarium with, as Husayn put it, our village of Husayn, Amia, Katie, Elsa, Liz, Olivia, Kerina and crew, and me and Kapono. Hands down, those beluga whales are always my favorite -- I learned that their lumpy heads are actually called melons, how endearing. And, they had a bonafide "baby beluga", which Liz and I hummed throughout the day because we're moms and that's what moms do, hum silly, sweet songs that you pick up along the way and never imagine you'll sing in public without caring who hears you as long as it brings a smile to your baby's face.

Speaking of, in the car last night driving home from the Arboleda's, I told Emiliano that in the next world, what I know I will most from the "material" world, is my baby's face. I will miss the physical experience of being able to look at him, at least I think I will. I remember telling Rachel when he was a newborn that I would miss him if he napped too long...I can still relate to that feeling, like I need my hourly Kapono fix. I know this feeling must change or transform in some way as your children grow, otherwise how would parents make it through the day when their children grow up and move on and move out and move away? I look back at earlier Kapono pictures and I'm already aching inside at how much he's grown.

I always thought it was almost pathetic (I know that sounds terrible, but true!) at how some parents' worlds seemed to revolve around their children, but now I get it and I know now that the only way to get it is to become a parent. People have compared parenting to natural disasters, which oddly enough, is maybe the best comparison I've ever come across (i.e. the difference between learning/hearing about parenting vs. actually doing it is like the difference between watching a tornado on TV vs. having the roof actually blown off your house), but I was thinking the other day that maybe an easier comparison to relate to is a rollercoaster ride. There's no way to know what the ride is like unless you've done it and it's really hard to try to describe it to someone who's never experienced it. And maybe in the beginning, when you're ascending that first steep climb, you're wondering why you ever got on in the first place...and you're hanging on for dear life when you take that first 90-degree drop, and you keep hanging on because you have to but, at least for me, you're also loving it and by the end, you can't wait to get back on.

A former colleague told me that raising his 3 children is the only part of his life that he would re-live if he could and I totally didn't get it because I was thinking of months of sleep deprivation and messy diapers followed by potty training then puberty, etc. but I'm starting to get it now. You just love them so much it hurts and it breaks your heart to see them growing so fast and so beautifully and you just want it to last somehow because there is so much joy. I once read that happiness in life really comes from feeling happy often vs. feeling really super happy every now and then, i.e. the frequency vs. the intensity. And I think as a parent you get both, feeling really super happy A LOT.

Random fact, rollercoaster rides are actually addicting and therapeutic, on some kind of physiological level, something to do with the adrenaline rush and the intensity of feeling. Kind of like laughing really hard, you're feeling intensely in the moment and you're experiencing both a physical and emotional response which is apparently addicting and therapeutic. Kind of like loving your kids.

Fall in Chicago

My pre-med (chem and physics) classes are a lot harder than I thought they would be, hence, the lack of new posts for the last couple of months. Although this picture is already outdated by about a month, yes, it's a real pumpkin. We're debating between a bumblebee or a green dragon for Kapono's first Halloween. Decisions, decisions...

Vibe Kill

So, despite last night's optimistic and gushing "ahhh...pregnancy" post, I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach cramps (bad Middle Eastern food?) and an aching back and Kapono had a wicked sleep schedule. He was wide awake and ready to play at 3am. Needless to say, the combination of these things was major vibe kill on my "ready-to-be-pregnant-again" mood ;)

But We Already Have a Baby!

Emiliano and I have been gifted with a special community of many young parents. Just tonight, we found out that another dearly loved friend of ours is pregnant (this makes the 5th friend who is expecting sometime this fall/winter). After I got married, I couldn't get enough of weddings -- gathering for the sole purpose of celebrating and honoring a lifetime commitment of love. Now, having recently experienced pregnancy, childbirth, and new parenthood, it's a similar feeling -- I feel almost giddy when I hear that someone is pregnant -- I just can't get enough of celebrating and honoring this new life. I know what a miraculous journey is in store for the new parents, particularly the mother, and I feel blessed to somehow be a part of it -- there is a magic surrounding babies and I want to be near enough to feel that magic.

Well, maybe I got too close tonight ;-) because for the first time since my own child's birth, I felt ready, really ready, to be pregnant again. And that is HUGE (no pun intended). And when I say ready, I mean ready...ready to endure 40 weeks (give or take) of morning-noon-&-night sickness, an overactive bladder, an aching back and swollen feet...and the list goes on. But then there's the flip side...40 weeks of nurturing my child, feeling him grow and move within me, hearing his heartbeat, tracking his progress, guessing his features (my eyes, his father's nose?), anxiously waiting to *meet* him.

I told Emiliano tonight, "I feel ready to be pregnant again" and I added, "Everybody else is pregnant", almost like, everyone else is getting pregnant, why not us?

His reply, "But we already have a baby!" :P

Cousins

My favorite pix from a recent visit by my brother, Ken, and his daughter, Kaia Min

Are these cousins CUTE or what?!? Kapono is 6 months & 3 weeks and Kaia just turned 3 on August 1. Insane amounts of cuteness!

King of the Bongo Bong

For Tio Timoteio

A Bongo-er Is Born

Kapono-bear got baby bongos. Is there anything cuter than a baby and a baby bongo set? Emiliano purchased musical instruments from Uncle Jon, China-bound, and Kapono is quickly catching onto the drumming concept. As I watched him slap his palms onto the bongo skins, I wondered if we'll be regretting introducing him to drums when he reaches his teenage years? Actually, I confess ...I love the thought of Kapono as a musician, like his daddy.

He turned 6 months this past Friday and the time has gone by so quickly it's almost dizzying. Someone mentioned the other day that I didn't seem like an exhausted mom and I thought, you didn't see me three months ago! Although, I admit that I feel spoiled by Kapono. He's happy and healthy and mellow and makes parenting a joy.

And, is it only us, or is the sky a little less blue and the future a little less bright now that Harry Potter has come to an end? I simply couldn't bear it when I finished Book 7 so I started the series all over again with Book 1 the very same day (despite my looming final this week). I've decided to treat myself to a Harry Potter fest now that summer school is coming to a close & I'll have about 4-6 weeks before I start classes in the fall.

Auntie Kelly, Uncle Kenny & cousin Kaia arrive soon (yes, I know, what is the weird "K" obsession in this family?) and we just can't wait!

King of the Bongo

Waking Up with Daddy

Caught Again

Summertime

I've missed m'blog! We've had guests galore -- which has been wonderful, especially for Kapono bear. Auntie Kristen and Uncle Oliver are in town now along with Carlos and Kerina and crew. Carlos and Kerina have 4 (yes, 4!) children between ages 10 months and 6 (yes, 10 months and 6!!) and just being around them w/Kapono the past few days has confirmed my desire to have more children, particularly to enrich Kapono's life with zany siblings to adore and stimulate him. It's been remarkable to see how entranced he is with the children and how interactive they all are together. I can already see in just these few days how younger siblings reach developmental milestones more quickly simply because they have older role models to stimulate them. Kapono watches Kalima (10 months) racing around on all fours and I can see him at 5 months trying to figure out how to do it himself.

I'm hanging on for dear life with classes and work. I've realized that I can somewhat sanely keep my head above water with new motherhood along with work or class but the combination of the 3 puts me into overdrive. Patient Emiliano has had to endure a stressed out nursing mom, not a good combination.

Emiliano's show tonight at Refuge was the jam: line-up of Nathan Davis, Patrick Parrish & co, Paolo, and the Quickeners. Photos courtesy of Emeric to follow.