Should Be Studying

This has been my mantra since I began classes in September. I feel like there's this omnipresent shadow of "should be studying" looming over me this quarter. These classes are insane. I'm going through my chem getting the right answers not even understanding the questions let alone how I actually got them correct! So, I played hooky today from studying to visit Shedd Aquarium with, as Husayn put it, our village of Husayn, Amia, Katie, Elsa, Liz, Olivia, Kerina and crew, and me and Kapono. Hands down, those beluga whales are always my favorite -- I learned that their lumpy heads are actually called melons, how endearing. And, they had a bonafide "baby beluga", which Liz and I hummed throughout the day because we're moms and that's what moms do, hum silly, sweet songs that you pick up along the way and never imagine you'll sing in public without caring who hears you as long as it brings a smile to your baby's face.

Speaking of, in the car last night driving home from the Arboleda's, I told Emiliano that in the next world, what I know I will most from the "material" world, is my baby's face. I will miss the physical experience of being able to look at him, at least I think I will. I remember telling Rachel when he was a newborn that I would miss him if he napped too long...I can still relate to that feeling, like I need my hourly Kapono fix. I know this feeling must change or transform in some way as your children grow, otherwise how would parents make it through the day when their children grow up and move on and move out and move away? I look back at earlier Kapono pictures and I'm already aching inside at how much he's grown.

I always thought it was almost pathetic (I know that sounds terrible, but true!) at how some parents' worlds seemed to revolve around their children, but now I get it and I know now that the only way to get it is to become a parent. People have compared parenting to natural disasters, which oddly enough, is maybe the best comparison I've ever come across (i.e. the difference between learning/hearing about parenting vs. actually doing it is like the difference between watching a tornado on TV vs. having the roof actually blown off your house), but I was thinking the other day that maybe an easier comparison to relate to is a rollercoaster ride. There's no way to know what the ride is like unless you've done it and it's really hard to try to describe it to someone who's never experienced it. And maybe in the beginning, when you're ascending that first steep climb, you're wondering why you ever got on in the first place...and you're hanging on for dear life when you take that first 90-degree drop, and you keep hanging on because you have to but, at least for me, you're also loving it and by the end, you can't wait to get back on.

A former colleague told me that raising his 3 children is the only part of his life that he would re-live if he could and I totally didn't get it because I was thinking of months of sleep deprivation and messy diapers followed by potty training then puberty, etc. but I'm starting to get it now. You just love them so much it hurts and it breaks your heart to see them growing so fast and so beautifully and you just want it to last somehow because there is so much joy. I once read that happiness in life really comes from feeling happy often vs. feeling really super happy every now and then, i.e. the frequency vs. the intensity. And I think as a parent you get both, feeling really super happy A LOT.

Random fact, rollercoaster rides are actually addicting and therapeutic, on some kind of physiological level, something to do with the adrenaline rush and the intensity of feeling. Kind of like laughing really hard, you're feeling intensely in the moment and you're experiencing both a physical and emotional response which is apparently addicting and therapeutic. Kind of like loving your kids.